July 13, 2023

Why did TST lose its federal abortion case in Texas?

The Satanic Temple, Inc. vs. Hellerstedt – The Final Dismissal

It’s absolutely worth reading this dismissal — it’s not just a roast and a fun read for its own sake, but more importantly it’s a terrific tear down of why TST cannot be trusted with anyone’s abortion rights, and goes out of its way to disqualify itself on a fundamental level.

That’s why we’ll be going through it in some detail here.

The Satanic Temple, Inc. v. Hellerstedt full docket

For a religion that constantly extols the value of beliefs (and actions) following evidence, TST is really bad at providing supporting evidence for its claims, including justification for why they’re bringing action against a particular person.

This happens in suit after suit.

This is familiar territory for us personally, having beaten the Temple’s abusive SLAPP litigation in federal court on the basis that TST failed to establish as plausible the court’s jurisdiction over the few allegations they even bothered to frame.

Reminder: jurisdiction is so fundamental to the concept of due process that a plaintiff has to actively establish it before anything else. Hell, a judge has the power to proactively raise the matter of jurisdiction if it becomes lost or otherwise unclear at any point, that’s how big a deal it is.

So when TST apologists try to obfuscate their defeats as having been due to “technicalities” rather than what they really are, keep in mind what actually happened: TST got caught out on its multilateral ignorance and contempt for the rule of law.

The Satanic Temple fails to show standing here in multiple ways with regards to their “Ann Doe” — TST doesn’t show any plausible injury here, doesn’t show a source of that injury, doesn’t connect that source to Cecile Young, and doesn’t show why what the Temple does want from Young would cure that injury.

We are but humble shitposters, but we have to ask: what good does it do anyone, exactly, to extract a (false) recognition of a religious abortion exemption from someone who has no power to convert that recognition into the prevention of state violence against abortion seekers?

TST loves its petulant shell games with names. It knowingly registers false information with secretaries of state around the country to feed its bloated persecution complex. That phony mystique works against TST once more, while again showcasing their contempt for the issues at stake.

Final procedural note on standing: not only are the allegations made by The Satanic Temple factually insufficient, but TST actively chose not to include the documentation of facts that might have made the difference!

What year in law school do they cover “cite your fucking sources”?

Anyone?

The next section covers sovereign immunity. Basically, state officials are immune from being sued over their execution of state policy and are treated as interchangeable with the state itself. However, an exception can apply if the plaintiff is able to show why a particular official is related to the enforcement of the law being challenged.

This is to say that once again, specificity matters.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

If you guessed “TST would invoke the existence of the exception and then refuse to substantiate it, pretending that mentioning the exception ought be the same as an argument that that exception applies here,” give yourself a damn cookie.

“You can’t just say ‘perchance’ ”
– the Judge, probably

TST has been described in other suits as having a comic-book understanding of how information and power flow through local government, and that’s on full display here.

“She interfered with the ritual (source: trust me, bro).”

Final note on sovereign immunity, basically a TLDR of how badly TST failed to argue against it.

Again: naming defendants who are barely related to the cause of action, using them as hostages for siege warfare litigation, and refusing to elaborate is a bad strategy, mkay?

We also need to talk about the final part (discussion on whether TST should be allowed to amend its argument yet again) because it shows why the narrative that “The Temple loses because the courts are biased against TST” is bullshit, a persecution narrative tailored to be propagated via word-of-mouth by Reddit atheists and clickbait bloggers far enough removed from the core issues as to feel justified not even doing the due diligence of reading the docket directly.

The Satanic Temple filed its initial complaint in February 2021. They got leave to amend that complaint later that month, and again in May 2021. The case was stayed in August 2021 pending the Dobbs decision, and TST was then granted leave to amend its complaint again after June 2022.

Not only was TST given four separate chances to make the best complaint it could, but it was explicitly spelled out for them that the fourth time was their opportunity to take into account any other changes in law that had resulted from Dobbs in the interim.

The fact is that the court, here and around the country, actively gives TST the benefit of the doubt as a matter of black-letter law.

But no matter how high the stakes are, TST actively squanders that benefit every time, as thoroughly as possible This court is out of patience.

When Texas passed a bill allowing random people to play bounty hunter against abortion seekers and providers, you know what TST was doing?

Fucking around in MS Paint, pretending to make a coherent legal argument via Venn diagrams.

To say this is inexcusable doesn’t quite underscore how fucking contemptible this is. This is an intentional waste of vast amounts of public donations and goodwill that TST spent years soliciting from the most desperate people in the country.

"Law" Act 1 of "a play in five acts"

The judge rightly points out that TST is being far too negligent with their argument for it not to be on purpose, and highlights TST’s pattern of abusive and unethical legal “strategy” around the country.

Again: when you donate to TST, this is what they turn it into.

TST’s lawyer submitted a five-act play for a brief that was already late, and resorts to threats and naked shock value in lieu of coherent, let alone compelling, legal arguments.

TST apologists have no idea how much “judicial bias” is actively working in their favor despite TST’s best efforts.

And that’s the end of it, really – another defeat for TST in an unbroken line of defeats.

No religious exemption for abortion has been established in Texas, either for TST’s current members or for anyone who joins in the future.

Ann Doe was able to get the abortion she needed without a judge’s ruling – and that’s on the extremely generous assumption that she’s even a real person at all.

As far as we can tell from diving into TST’s contemporaneous fundraising emails and announcements throughout 2021, they raised something north of $300,000 for exactly this outcome.

But clearly, TST didn’t care what the outcome would actually be — certainly not enough to pay extra to get a lawyer who might know how to make a competent argument without ratcheting himself slightly closer to disbarment instead.

And that’s because whatever benefits TST owners Doug Misicko’s and Cevin Soling’s bottom line is ultimately the only metric that matters for determining TST’s “success” as an institution. As far as they’re concerned, everyone else is expendable.

Thanks to any number of institutional barriers and the overwhelming power of negative partisanship in the United States, the only thing a “religious exemption” lawsuit has to do is exist, and donations will roll in from people who want to feel like “at least they’re doing something!”

It’s far more useful to think of TST’s “religious freedom” lawsuits as an extended ad campaign to sell the brand of TST. They exist solely to sell the idea that the fight against Christian fascism is as simple as donating and not asking what happens next.

It’s not at all hypocritical for them to pursue their SLAPP against us into the 9th Circuit, arguing for precedent that it should be easier for churches to weaponize the state against their critics. Protected speech and informed consent are a threat to their ability to sell TST.

But that predatory, capitalist worldview disqualifies them from being able to represent the most marginalized people in the country – let alone in their own membership. It’s not remotely surprising, in that regard, to watch them hemorrhaging members more frequently as of late.

A better world is possible — but TST has no interest in building it, because building that world necessarily means destroying the institutions that give TST the power to prey on others and pretend it has no choice.

Anyway, in the interest of fairness, in the last section, we’ll include what The Satanic Temple’s co-owner and national spokesman Doug “Lucien Greaves” Misicko said in his own words about all this, which you can compare to the judge’s opinion and your own eyes.

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The Satanic Temple's Boogeyman

Queer Satanic

TST sued us from April 2020 to September 2024, and we are still here.